Needing A Gestational Surrogate
After riding the in-vitro roller coaster for two straight years, our doctor, my husband, and I decided to give it one more round and then if that did not work start discussing other options. Well, that last round in which 3 decent quality embryo's were transferred back into me, once again, did not work.
Even though I had a feeling it wouldn't work, I mean at this point why would it??!! I was still yet again in shock and devastated. I mean was this it for me? Is there no chance I am going to carry my own child? Ever? All kinds of thoughts whirled through my head. The idea of not having a baby bump, feeling the baby move inside of me, a birth story to tell, my husband rubbing my belly and feeling the baby kick; I was trying to process all of this. There was an incredible sense of loss when coming to the realization that I would likely not be carrying my own child. Despite this realization, the true yearning was ultimately for motherhood, which is what I kept telling myself. If I can have a healthy baby... that is all I could hope, pray, and wish for - regardless of how we get there.
I vividly recall, on so many of my drives home after I had the embryos put back, just begging for God to please just give me one baby. During those moments, nothing in my life mattered except having a baby. I would say out loud (to myself) that I would give up my home, clothes, wedding rings, really any possession, if I could just have a baby. Pretty much everything in my life held such little value in comparison to what I was praying for. If you take a look at the rest of my blog you will see that yes, I enjoy "stuff"; stuff can be fun and pretty, but at the end of the day, I never forget those car rides. What I felt, what I said, and what really holds true value in life is something I try to hang on to. It keeps me grounded.
So the meeting with my doctor ended with the conclusion that he did recommend that we use a gestational surrogate to achieve pregnancy. This means our embryos (my egg, fertilized with my husbands sperm) would be transferred into the uterus of our carrier (another woman). The issue was the my uterine lining just never developed to an adequate thickness that would allow for the embryo to successfully implant, get cozy, and grow.
The thought of using a gestational carrier was certainly not what I had envisioned for my life, but if it meant finally having a baby, we were up for it.