Homeschool: Bringing out the Monster That Lives in Me and Learning to Tame It
As parents we expend so much thought and energy on our parenting methods. From the time our children are conceived onward, every stage is a constant evolution of “trying to be the best parent one can be.” Although there have been plenty of times where I questioned my parenting methods and decisions, I have never until this point felt more unsure as to whether or not what I am doing on a daily basis, is “what’s best”.
When it comes to homeschooling, for me there has been nothing more challenging. I sit here and think to myself, I live in a secure household, with an abundance of resources and I still feel like I am drowning, my heart goes out to those with less advantages, as it is a true struggle in so many ways.
Although there are many aspects of homeschooling I could comment on, I would rather just get to the point, or the root of my thoughts. I want to first start off by saying that my children’s teachers have done an INCREDIBLE job. Between the lessons and the technology, I know educators feel like they are struggling, but you would never know it; saying they are doing an outstanding job is an understatement.
Despite the scheduled Zoom meetings, and plentiful curriculum, I still often sit here and feel like I just can’t keep up. Part of it is the fact that I have one child in first grade, two in kindergarten, one of whom has special needs, and a busy 21 month old. We no longer have a nanny, my husband is working and I took leave because my son has medical conditions that put him in the higher risk category, so he is doing full time virtual learning.
If I am helping one of my children, the other one gets distracted and the cycle just continues. Then there’s the baby who points to the swing set outside and cries “momma swing, swing momma.” Unfortunately at that moment, and for the next hour or two, I can’t take her on the swings because I am working on school work with the other three kids.
It breaks my heart that I can’t take my baby on the swings.
It breaks my heart that I can’t physically help my children all at the same time.
It breaks my heart that I get frustrated and impatient, and yell, and quite frankly can be nasty to my kids.
It breaks my heart that despite all of these challenges, I still know that I am fortunate for a million different reasons, yet still struggle and complain.
I was out with some close girlfriends a couple weekends ago and my friend said, “why can’t their time with us and feeling safe and loved just be enough?” She decided to not send her son to preschool and does her best to teach him at home, but is also a teacher herself, and has an infant daughter.
Her question resonates deeply with me because I often think the same thing. For the children out there who are being taken care of by a grandparent, or babysitter, or whomever their adult caregiver is, if the time the children spend with them is happy and meaningful, why can’t that be enough? Some of the most meaningful memories I have from my early childhood were those where I was home with my grandmothers, who taught me how to bake, sew, dip leaves in wax, play Monopoly (without cheating), and countless other experiences that have shaped my life in so many ways.
Now I am not suggesting we throw education and all of the hard work the teachers are doing out the window, I am just suggesting that we get through as much work during the course of a day as we can, and when we get cues, whether they be from ourselves or the children, that tensions are high and a break is needed, we take the break!
When school first started this year and students didn’t have their iPads yet, paper work was sent home. Declan fought me so hard on getting all of his work done. I sat him in his chair and was literally a monster towards him. I told him he couldn’t do x, y and z until he completed his work. He was climbing under the table, peeling the wrappers off the crayons, picking his nails, it just was a disaster. I was the adult and I could not get my stress and emotions in order to be the mother I wanted to be to my children, and I am not proud of it.
I spoke with his teachers and explained what his threshold was for work and this week I tried a more relaxed approach. Today he had four Zoom meetings throughout the day and he did some, but not all of the work on his iPad. I took him to the park and made him a charcuterie board for his morning snack (per his request), complete with candle, dimmed lighting and a fancy glass (also all per his request). After his special snack he attended another Zoom meeting where his teacher asked him to tell her something that makes a lot of noise in his house, his response was “uhhhmmm…. farts!” I was in the background dying and praying he didn’t elaborate and put me on complete blast (pun intended). Thankfully, he did not.
This afternoon he told me that this was “the best day ever”. I cried. I felt compelled to share this story because I imagine that I am not the only parent out there feeling defeated. Moving forward I am sure I will have more moments I am not proud of, but I will also try to remember what it is that is most important in all of this, and I think it’s really about maintaining a level of peace and balance, for ourselves and our children.
If we need to take intermittent breaks from formal education to breathe, look our kids in the eyes, and share a cheese platter and some laughs with them, I think we’ll still be raising some fine little humans.
Peace and balance,
Nicole xo
